The Last of Us, a parent's view

So, it's been a while.  I've been pretty busy doing this and that and the other thing.  Mostly, I've been not writing on this blog, but hell, I don't have any readership, so I don't owe anyone anything, I guess.

I know it's a little late, but when "The Last of Us" came out we were broke.  Dead broke, and we couldn't afford to get it even though I wanted to play it.  I read control alt delete, and I like to read Tim Buckley's reviews on games, and I was hooked by his review and his comics about it, but I had to wait quite a while to have the loose funds to get it.

We got it on the pretense of my husband's birthday, but we both know it was for me.  I'm not a big fan of zombie apocalypses as I feel they are overdone, boring, and at the same time manage to scare the crap out of me.  However, I like games where I sneak around and kill someone without them even knowing I was there.  You need only check out my Elder Scroll saves to know that.

So, for any of you that have stumbled on this... here is my warning.

There are Spoilers ahead.

I'm not kidding.

Spoilers.

Don't get all annoyed when you see them, because I have given ample warning about the spoilers.

Here there be spoilers.

Moving on to the spoilers now.

So, the ending.  As the title suggests, I'm going to be looking at this as a parent.  I probably would have felt the same way about it before I became a mother, but... well, what can you do.

The beginning is important to me, because it establishes Joel, the co-protagonist, as a bereaved father.  You get a brief glance at his daughter and how much he loves her.  He'll damn the world to protect her, as shown when they pass up the three people walking along the side of the road.  He'd do anything for her, break his back for her.  As a daddy's girl until the day I die, I connect with Sarah because of her relationship with her father.  Now, I wasn't raised by just my dad, and I have two brothers, but I understand the love there.  It is simple, sweet, and makes perfect sense.

I bawled like I was at a funeral when she died, but not because she died. I cried because of the grief I knew her father would be feeling.  I cried because I thought, "What if I lost my child?"  It is honestly hard to say.  Losing a child is a hard thing to comprehend until it's happened.  I know that you move on, but there is a part of that child that will always be there.

So then it's 20 years later and Joel is alive, but he's estranged from his brother.  He has a lady-friend named Tess who you know he cares about, but they both are careful to keep their distance, and honestly I can't blame them in this post apocalypse.  In 20 years, I can only imagine how many people you trusted and relied on that died or betrayed you.  At that point, you definitely start keeping things in perspective.

Then enter Ellie (yeah, I'm skipping a lot), and Joel is like "Wtf, really?"

You can tell he pretty much could care less about this girl.  She's cargo and he doesn't even refer to her as a person most of the time.  His only concern is about getting the cargo (Ellie) to the fireflies so that he can get his guns.  Fair enough, I guess.

Things change, however, after Tess gets infected with the fungus.  She sacrifices herself to buy them some time, which honestly didn't do much good.  People refer to her as the girlfriend in the refrigerator, but I think that's the wrong trope.  I'm not going to look it up, but I've seen enough movies to know that what Tess did was not the woman sacrificing herself for the greater good, but the infected future zombie wanting to die before he or she (in this case) turned into a zombie.  It just so happened that instead of a man going out in a blaze of glory it was Tess.  Who was a bad ass.

Anyway, moving on.  Ellie and Joel, as they go try and find the fireflies really begin to trust and depend on one another.  You can see Ellie becoming more jaded and disconnected from the world as she kills more.  She forms a "This is us, and everyone is the other" bond with Joel.  They become a team, and save each other more than once.  Ellie fights tooth and nail to save Joel's life, and Joel does some really unethical things to save Ellie (things that I would do, mind you, but still unethical).

And here for the end.  This is the real spoiler that I want to discuss.

You work your ass off with this girl that Joel has practically adopted.  You listen to them talk about him teaching her how to swim and play guitar.  They both see a future.  It is together and beautiful.  You feel at peace for a bit, hopeful... but there is that fear that everything will go wrong.  You're not sure how... and then she almost drowns.  I panicked.  I went after her as if nothing else in the universe mattered only to find out minutes later that some retarded doctors are going to take her brain out.

I mean, what the world is going on here?  Those are some crappy and unethical scientist right there.  They get an immune person, and instead of handing her delicately in order to ensure that they have what they need they just decide they're going to cut her brain out.  How does that make sense?  I was furious, to say the least, and I planned on killing every last one of those bugs.

And I did.

Oh, I killed them all.  Even when I didn't need to.

It took me a while because I suck, but I still made sure every last one of them was dead as dead could get.

When I got into the operating room, I honestly kind of thought I had gone into a cut scene.  Without hesitation I killed the doctor with his own scalpel.  Who knew you could shoot him or burn him to a crisp with a flame thrower?  I don't think I would do it any differently though, because I loved seeing the rage on Joel's face.  That primal anger of a father protecting his child.

It was terrifying and beautiful.

Then the nurse called me a monster, and I wanted to scream at her.  "You're murdering a child without a second thought!  You're the monster."  I didn't kill her right away though.  I tried to get Ellie, but the triangle didn't pop up, so I killed the nurse that accused me of being a monster and when the other one told me to just take her, I did and left.

And then Marlene.  What a crappy ass surrogate mother.  I wanted to kill her to.  I wanted to scream at her when she said it was what Ellie would have wanted like she was already dead.  Did they bother to ask Ellie?  No.  They didn't even bother to explore other options.  They went straight for the brain pan.  As Bill would say, "Fuck'm."

The cinematic that followed was beautiful and cathartic to me. I know others didn't feel that way, but I was relieved when I saw her in the back seat.  I was vindicated when I saw Joel kill Marlene.  I was a bit frustrated with the lie, but at the same time I understand why he did it.

A lot of people call Joel selfish and I say "So what?"  The whole damn world was selfish.  They wouldn't hesitate to kill me, but Joel is a monster for defending himself.  Yeah, Joel wasn't a hero.  He wasn't a great guy, but he was a survivor.   Compassion and charity wouldn't last long in a world like that.  He evolved and adapted to the way things were.  I kind of think about it as a world with its own morality.  It isn't the same as the world we live in now.  It has devolved to "Us vs. Them".  We're back to where we started.  You protect your own.  Maybe you're aggressive.  Maybe you're reactive.  In the end, a lot of death is going to happen as people struggle over resources.  There is no law.  No courts.  The strongest, most organized get what they need to survive and keep it.

That's the world they live in.  It's easy to say that "That is wrong," and that what Joel did was selfish.

But really, as a player of the game that doesn't live in that world I have the luxury of stepping back and looking at it.  The world is in shambles.  They want a cure and are willing to preemptively kill Ellie to get it.  They'd probably do a lot of unethical testing to top it off.  Ellie wouldn't be the only one to die.  She'd just be a next one in the long line of dead humans.

So, assume that they get a cure.  What are they going to do then?  There is no more infrastructure.  There are no facilities to mass produce it assuming they could even do so after they, you know, murdered patient zero without a thought.  They'd have to contend with the military, bandits, all sorts of bad folks.  Civilization doesn't take long to fall, but it certainly takes a while to build.  Not sure where I'm going with this other than, a vaccine probably wouldn't make the vision the fireflies envision happen.  It might help.. if they weren't child murderers anyway.

But all that is hindsight.  You could say it's just me trying to make myself feel better about Joel's decision.

But who cares?  I don't.  Joel did the right thing for the right reason, as far as I'm concerned.  The doctors were doing the wrong thing for supposedly right reasons.  I'd say "Fuck the world" if it was my daughter or someone that I cared about, especially in a world that didn't seem worth saving.

On another note, Druckmann said that no parent disagreed with Joel while none parents were split pretty 50/50.  I told my husband last night that it shows who should be parents and who shouldn't.  If you don't have kids and think that Joel was wrong.  Have kids and then play it again.  I bet it'll change the way you look at things.

Anyway, off to work!

Somebody put me out of my misery.

Smashed fingers

Having a smashed index finger does make one appreciate the work it does to type.  While it isn't broken, it does make writing anything... interesting.  My poor right middle finger is work triple time.  I think I will write on my phone since my thumb does all the swiping.  I will be flirting with first person.  I think it will be easier for the reader to relate to the Character that way.

Lame Nightmares

When people think of nightmares, I think they think of running away from clowns, unseen monsters, and a general sense of fear and foreboding.  I wish to God I had those sort of nightmares more often, since I find them adventurous.  Instead I get nightmares like being late to work.  I don't even view public nudity as a nightmare, usually because I'm the only one that notices I'm naked.  Other than being fat and having some serious big tummy issues, I get on OK with being naked, but being late?

Heaven help me I can't stand being late to work.  Nothing gives me more anxiety.

I think "Oh, God, I'm going to get written up.  My boss is going to be so disappointed in me.  My co-worker is probably starving right now."  Of course, this time I find myself living in this townhouse.  It's totally attached and a corner home.  It's actually nice, like, really nice.  (I had a lot of dreams that I was crazy rich all night, or at least my folks were.)  It was the sort of place you'd drool over in House Hunters or Property Virgins.  But, the night before I had to park a little farther away from the house and then my car was gone.  I was already 40 minutes late for work, and I find that my car has been towed.

Horrible.  I thought I was going to lose it.

Which is kind of odd, since if I'm going to be late for work I just call out.  Rather use sick time than be at work and still get written up.  Yes, I am that sort of person.

I also had a dream that a bunch of stuff fell on my neck that I had to categorize, but that was just Rascal kicking me in the neck.  So not cool.

I decided that I am going to tear up the Mary Sue LitmusTest later.  Should be fun.  And by later I mean I'm going to do some of it today.

Goodbye 240's

Good bye 240's.  I hope to never see you ever again.  You can stay lost, even outside of my memory.  If we ever meet again, it will be too soon.

After I stepped on the scale this morning I felt motivated.  Motivated to what, you might ask?  Walk the dogs.  I took the mongrel and the mongrelette for a walk.  They enjoyed it and Rascal is now pretending that she's tired.  I know she wasn't tired while we were walking.  That dog could walk for hours with a doggy backpack and never slow down.  It's Scoundrel I worry about.  He gets tired so quickly and he wanted to pee and poop on everything.  I'm glad he listens when I tell him no.  The marking everything isn't so bad, but I don't want him leaving pitbull sized turds all over my neighbor's yards.

I am making breakfast right now.  Letting the onions cook as I type.  Then I'm going to throw in half the stuff I have in the house with some spinach and green beans.  It will probably serve as the base for our breakfast for the next few days.  We're limited to whatever we have in the house due to being in the hole after paying all our bills.  Well, at least until Thursday.  I am thinking of putting $125 onto a gift card a week to serve as our weekly food budget.  This would include, of course, drinks (read water) and stuff for work.  I try and bring my lunch everyday, and other than having nothing to bring the other day I have done very well.

I have a vacation coming up, and it's probably going to be filled with cooking and writing.  I've been feeling inspired.  For reasons unknown, every time I read any feminist literature I am driven to write my novel.  I think it's because I am writing my own female power fantasy.  I can already hear the critics now... oh well.  

The Busy Bee

Man, it has been a crazy past few weeks for me.  Dogs, gaming, baby, work, cooking, minecraft, and most importantly: Sleeping.  Other than being dead broke after all our bills fell on us at once (and we get paid throughout the month one week at a time), things are going all right.  Despite not being a 100% paleo type of gal, I have continued to lose weight, albeit much slower than I did the few couple of weeks.

What I am most excited about and what I just can't get over is that my nails have never looked better since I laid off the dairy.  Now, I can't say that I have been 100% strict on the no dairy, but if I can't get the high quality stuff I just go without.  Anyway, since I stopped drinking the conventional stuff at your average grocer, all the white blemishes on my nails have gone away.  I'm not really sure what else to call them.  But, you probably had them a time or two in your life.  Well, I always had one somewhere.  As soon as one started to make its way to being cut off, I would inevitably produce another one.  At one point all of my nails had these strange, white marks.  Now I don't have a single one.  I even flicked them on the edge of something hard to see if they would form and nothing.

So, that's exciting for me.  Apparently I have gotten all that I need from the kale, broccoli, and other veggies I have been eating like an addict.

I think I might change the name of this blog to something a bit more open.  I mean, I was really fired up about changing my lifestyle when it happened, but I'm a busy woman and there are so many other things I love to do.  I write, game, raise a kid, and tend to my perpetual canine toddlers.  I like to spend time with my parents and now my little brother is going to be a dad soon (barring sad events anyway).  While I might not be happy about the circumstances, I am excited to be an aunt again, and I'm excited that my future niece or nephew will be close by for me get to know and to be a cousin to my little angel.  I'm also going to be "adopting" his two future stepsons as my nephews, and that makes me happy as well.  They're good kids and I hope to see more of them.

So, my diet isn't the most important thing about me.  I've lost that fired up, evangelical passion that I had when I first started.  I mean, I still get pretty ticked off when people go on and on about moderation just because they can stuff their faces with anything and everything and still be rail thin, but the reality for me is that I can't.  I mean, I'm not 100% because I live in a food desert, and what I can get is insanely expensive.  It's great that the paleo big names can talk about "Trader Joes", whatever the hell that is (I know it's a grocery store of some sort, but I've never seen one) or Cosco, Costco.. anyway, never seen one and the closest wholefoods is an hour away.  I don't drive to Austin unless I'm visiting my best friend, and I'd rather go to Central Market since the company I work for owns it and I can get a discount if I shop smart.  I substitute things.  My cheat is the lean pork sausage that my company sells.  Yeah, it has some sugar in it, but since I'm not eating twinkies I'm not too concerned right now.  I'm not going to sweat sugar in my bacon either.  I've decided that I just can't so I won't.

I wish I could afford to be obsessed with food quality, but it isn't in the cards.

However, if I finish writing my and it takes off I just might be able to one day.

Roasting Veggies

I have two favorite food blogs right now.  One is Nom Nom Paleo and the other is Paleomg.  I have yet to follow a single recipe down to the letter, but we're getting there.  They certainly give me good ideas... like roasted broccoli.  Who would have thought?  I sure didn't.  Broccoli was always for boiling or steaming, but those days are gone!  Roasting is so good, and my daughter eats it like it's chips or something.  Definite win for our family.

My husband made the house look much better today by cleaning the kitchen floor, something I never get around to, what with working full time, cooking, cleaning dishes and more dishes, our daughter, and helping my parents with stuff.  It's been some busy times.

But now that it's all clean we can now look to getting our refrigerator fixed.  After that it's a matter of saving up money to go to Austin to buy a few less than perishable staples.

Tomorrow is gaming night since I'm off Friday, and I'm going to make chicken and gravy in the crock pot again.  It was divine last time.  This time I am going to make it without using the soup mix and use beef stock instead.  I know it seems weird to some people that I cook chicken with beef stock, but I love that extra little bit of flavor.  I am also going to roast an epic ton of broccoli.  Some of it will be for our dinner and some of it will be for my daughter to snack on.  I imagine, however, that our host's kids will eat a great deal of it as well.  They always do.

I will be well prepared this time to say no to the pizza.

I think I might roast some asparagus as well... man, that sounds good!

Ode to Broke

So, we're not doing so hot financially speaking at present, but I still managed to make an amazing dinner that is (almost) paleo.  The only cheat was some Lipton's Beefy Onion soup mix because I didn't have anything else.  Tasted divine and I'm already thinking about how I'm going to make the chicken again without the soup mix.

God, it was delicious though.

I don't do recipes though.  I just randomly throw things together usually.

Now I feel like a big fatty... well, I am one, but I really feel like I'm going to gain 5 lbs after only eating one.

My love for rutabagas and sweet potatoes combined has been reaffirmed.  I haven't had it for a while, but it certainly is still amazingly delicious even without onions and garlic.  I just salted and peppered it and cooked it in some coconut oil.  I love my food processor.  Shredded it nice and pretty.  And I made greens that were awesome smothered in the gravy that I made with the chicken stuff in the crock pot.

Hardest thing today is to not keep eating just because it is delicious.

I am debating on if I want to make acorn squash for dinner tomorrow or make a breakfast bake in the morning.  Some decisions are so hard to make.

I'll see how I feel in the morning.

Resisting Temptation

Today was a bit of a rough day.  Nothing really went right.  It all really started last night, though, with the horrible goat stew I tried to make.  I kind of had a feeling it was going to be bad when I was checking out the meat I had bought.  It really was filled with the worst cuts of meat from anything possible and working with an unfamiliar meat didn't help.

Needless to say I'm not buying goat from that supplier again.  I might try again, when the wounds have healed and my ego forgets the painful blow.

I basically wasted $20 that I didn't have to waste.  Now I'm up making stuff to eat tomorrow for my breakfast.  I think I'll just wait to eat until 10 am tomorrow so that my husband and daughter can have some of it as well.

On a bright note, I did resist the siren call of pizza as I fed it to my daughter, bite by torturous bite.  Then I left our gaming session to go get some food for my husband and I, as we ate our salad already and had nothing else prepared.  We ended up getting Mooya burgers wrapped in lettuce.  I did do some cheating and used their mayo, which undoubtedly had soybean oil and a ton of other crap in it and I had their sweet potato fries that are made with canola oil.  Minor cheats, really, but I doubt they'll set me back since the rest of the day was on point and everything else in the meals was as well.

I had to have fries though.  They have the perfect crisp to mush ratio.

Don't judge me!

Anyway, between yesterday morning and this morning I lost 3 lbs there abouts and I was super excited.  I'm pumped to keep this up, and hope to get closer and closer to eating healthy as I go along.

Right now I'm thinking about rutabaga hash and meatballs.  Will that be dinner tomorrow or will it be chicken and gravy?

I have no freakin' clue.

Left overs...

My left over liver and onions weren't all that great.  They weren't terrible, but I really didn't have an appetite for them today.  I think it's because I already had my weekly allotment of liver and I just can't make it as good as my mom.. I think it's the flour and gravy.  I'll do better next time.

On another note, other than the sausage I had in my rutabaga hash this morning I pretty much had a sugar free day other than fruit.  No bread.  No beans.  No dairy.  This is the closest I have gotten so far.  I already made my breakfast (minus the eggs) and lunch for tomorrow.

I'm not sure what I'm going to make tomorrow for dinner, but I will figure it out.

Sugar in everything!

Sugar is put in everything, I swear to God.  Does bacon really need sugar in it?  No.  No it does not.  Diced tomatoes that are steeped in garlic and olive oil?  No.  Breakfast sausage?  Nope.

Why the hell is sugar in everything?

If it isn't sugar it is some artificial stuff.  Then there is a all the added acid.  Bah!  Bah, I say!    But really, I'm steamed over the sugar.  How can we eat sugar in moderation when it's in everything.

Just disgusting.

So, I haven't been quite paleo or Whole 30 or Primal or whatever today, but I have certainly done the best I could with my meat-crust quiche.  The Bacon is applewood farms or something like that and it's uncured bacon, but still manages to have sugar in it, and of course so did the breakfast sausage.  After what I have is gone, I am going to mix my own.  I'm sure I will be able to get my hands on some unseasoned ground pork.

Then for lunch I had a bit of my left over liver and onions with cauliflower "rice".  Going to have the rest of the left overs for lunch tomorrow, so I didn't want to over do it.

Then I made some meatballs, which, in and of themselves were totally legit, but I didn't have legit tomato sauce or diced tomatoes.  I used spaghetti squash and it served to thicken the sauce quite well.  I didn't need any other starches and it served as a good pasta.  My daughter gobbled it up.  I had to control myself to leave the rest for my husband since I promised him meatballs after he got off work.

After I picked up my car that was getting treated for a nasty flat tire I made the most time consuming part of breakfast, a rutabaga hash.  It wouldn't crisp so I walked away to stop myself from going nuts and just stirring it over and over, but then I got distracted so it burnt, but it is still amazingly good... so long as I picked out the most burnt spot.  It'll be amazing with eggs in the morning.

So, other than all the hidden sugar in everything, I ate pretty darn close.

We bought some pork belly sliced up like bacon.  It tastes pretty good and we're planning to have lettuce wraps on Thursday, but what will I make tomorrow?

I'm definitely going to treat myself to a coconut milk smoothie with pineapple and bananas.  Mmmmm

My husband is losing weight and is going to be in need of new clothes soon.  He's lost almost 20 pounds in the last three weeks due to our slight changes.  I am so jealous.

Getting a little closer

My husband and I were so bad yesterday.  We not only had pizza, but we drank with friends while playing DnD.  I don't feel so good, and I can comfortably say I probably won't have any alcohol for another year or three.  I don't feel terrible, but I don't feel great either.  The pizza we chowed down on didn't help much either and kind of countered the watermelon, nuts, and dates we brought to snack on.  I think it's because we didn't have time to prepare a real meal or the food to do it.

We did get to go grocery shopping, but the meat market won't have what we wanted until Monday.  I bought some liver.  I'm going to make that up tomorrow.  I have to make my dinner before I go to work today since I'm working until 8, and I don't really have much to make since we were really banking on the meat market having the goat.  Tonight I'm going to put some pork ribs in the crock pot though, and try my hand at making these breakfast tacos.  I might even buy some bacon since I can't get any uncured pork belly until Monday.  Curse my luck.

I was going to make a meat crust quiche today, but I have nothing to put in one.  I think I'm just going to make some sausage and hash browns with what is left of my potatoes.  I'm so disappointed that my store had no rutabagas.  They haven't been looking good either.  The ones that I have seen over the past few weeks have been shriveled and sad looking.  I might have to go to the other one to see if they've had any better luck on their deliveries.  If not, I don't know what to do.  I wish I had the money for a trip down to Austin, but I don't, and Nature's Grocer in Temple has a crappy limited little produce section with only the most basic American used veggies.

When can a woman catch a break?

I asked my husband what he thought about our left over food, and he has pretty much lost any desire to eat any of it as have I.  We have also decided that pizza is out of our diet.  No more.  Unless I make it.

Since our local meat market has been pretty disappointing, I think I'm going to buy a big butt roast to crock pot for Sunday night or something.

If we're going to have grass fed anything ever, we're going to have to do po'folk paleo.  I think we're just going to get some ground pork and make our own sausage.  I'm fairly certain our butcher puts sugar in everything.

So disappointing.  Not to mention the seasonings that they tout have MSG in them.  You know, the one thing everyone is so proud that their products don't carry.

Blah.

The Adventures of Dog Walking

So, this morning I had a serious scare.  One of my neighbors has a white pit bull, and I was walking my dogs by his house, he jumped out of his backyard and came running at us.  I was terrified.  I thought he was going to kill my dogs.  Rascal would probably be the most likely to defend herself, but she was tethered to me.  I had her leash wrapped all around my wrist.  I freed her from me and she kind of danced around him and I was kicking him to try and get him away from her.

Eventually he stopped and sat down.  I was worried he'd snap at me, but I let him sniff my hand and he didn't seem hostile so I grabbed his collar and took him to his front door.  His owner seemed to take forever to get there.  Thankfully he wasn't actually serious about hurting my dogs.  I know that pit bulls are powerful dogs.  I have one of my own, after all.  I know from all the research I have done on them that they can do a lot of damage when they set their mind to it.

Thankfully this dog was not in the mind to do damage.  I think, in hind sight, he wanted to show them that it was his turf and they had best recognize that.  I'm proud of how well behaved my dogs were in the whole thing.  They didn't run away from me when I released their leashes and walked on either side of me and stayed there when I handed the dog back over.

I think I have the best pitty in the world.  Love my mongrels.

I've been trying not to snack, but work is giving us free knock off cheezits.  My co-worker brought them to the box and I had some.  Damn things are addictive.  I never should have started.  I chugged down a ton of water to try and get myself to stop and it worked pretty well.  My job is trying to sabotage me.  So much for trying to encourage us to be healthy.

On the bright side, the pile on my table is getting smaller and smaller.  I think some sausage i filtched from my parent's house, potatoes, and eggs will be on the menu for breakfast tomorrow.  No idea what I'm going to eat for lunch though.  I might brown some ground beef in soup mix, make some instant mash potatoes and mix everything up with peas and carrots.

Hmmmmm....

So not heartbroken about peas not being "Paleo" or whatever. I'll eat them! but I can live without them.

So Broke

I don't get paid for another two days, which is really not too horrible.  I'll survive.  I have plenty of junk in my kitchen to eat, not that I really want to eat it.  I think that when the cans and boxes are gone the flour and sugar is going to get donated (if closed) or tossed.  I have been reading up on Whole30 and I know that my husband and I will be doing that.  I've been planning and looking up a ton of recipes.  I have even done pricing research and I think that going Paleo won't be much more expensive on our immediate grocery bill than what we were eating before.  After all, we're cutting out chips, cookies, and my husband's overly priced Propel packets.  No crackers either.  I think I'l miss crackers in my soup most, but I think I can make soups that are so hearty I won't mind the loss.

Plus, no eating out.  We haven't done it for 3 weeks now, so I think we'll be ok.

I also kinda look like I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists two different ways.  I cut them in creative ways while trying to get coconut meat out of the shell.  I bought three of the buggers and the second one would not cooperate to save my life.  In fact, it tried to kill me.

I'm bummed about now having anymore onions.  I don't know how I'm going to survive a whole day without an onion.  Man, what a turn around.  Before I was 19 years old I wouldn't touch onions.  I thought they were gross.  Actually, I don't think I ate vegetables.  I think carrots were the only vegetable that didn't have to be smothered in something horribly processed for me to eat it, and that's just barely.

I have been searching google like mad for stories of people's Paleo failures that go beyond a week.  Most people get the low-carb flu and quit or stick with it forever or decide that yeah, they feel great but they want their bread.  I haven't found anything that compares to what vegans and vegetarians face from weak teeth, hair loss, and other, scarier problems.  The closest thing I've seen is a guy that cut out pretty much every carbohydrate for six months and got sick from that.

I'm still looking though, since the illnesses that people got from playing pray species got me to rethink getting my family on a plant-based diet.

Gah.  Stupid brokeness, and frustrating hundreds of soup mixes I have to figure out how to go through!

Carb Counting Part 1

Today has been an interesting day.  I had a less than stellar breakfast, but it used what I had in the house to use.  I was hungry through a good chunk of work, but my breakfast lasted with me far longer than my lunch did.  My lunch lasted for about 2 hours before it left me starving.  Why did I ever eat spaghetti and meat sauce?  I mean, I love the way it tastes.  It's savory and mildly sweet with plenty of good, chewy textures.  However, it goes right through me.  I feel full and then I crash.

Sadly I'm not as done with pasta as I thought I was.

le sigh.

I "cleaned" out my pantry, which means I really just put everything on the kitchen table so that I could get a good look at it.  I need to see what I have left to use, and I think Rob and I have enough food to last us approximately two weeks... except for that we ran out of eggs.  My blood sugar won't stay in a good way out of most of the stuff we have in the house, and I'm making some "left overs" for tomorrow.  I'm going to be testing my freshly made coconut milk.  I hope it doesn't taste too bad.  If it does I'm going to have to give my husband my wonderful dinner that I made for me and the mess... and put the leftovers away for.

Not enough for him and left overs for work tomorrow.

I wish I could work without eating like my husband can.  Sadly, my crank-o-meter goes off when I'm hungry and I can't do customer service that way!

So, today was a pretty slow day in the Box, and I was thinking about carbs.  Not about counting my own personal consumption of them, but what people say about the Paleo diet and it being "low carb".  From what I've read of it so far, it isn't necessarily low carb unless someone is trying to lose weight and isn't expending enough energy to eat up their carbs before it turns to fat or whatever.

Personally, I don't see it as low carb.  I once went on a "diet" where I got shots and had pills to suppress my appetite in order for me to lose weight at a stupidly fast rate.  I was restricted to 1000 calories a day and I was told that I should keep my carb count under 30.  Do you have any idea how impossible that is?  I ate the low fat yoplait yogurt because it had volume and low calories and that had, if I remember correctly, 42 g of carbohydrates in and of itself.  It also made it impossible to eat anything but the most unappealing stuff like lettuce with 0 calorie dressing that felt like liquid rubber and didn't taste too much better.

My parents swore by that stuff and it still grosses me out thinking about it.

So, I think that I'm going to be compiling a list of things I ate on a normal day of my SAD diet in all it's horrible magnitude and count up the carbs I ate.  Then I'm going to make a list of things I ate trying to do the "heart healthy" grains, legumes, and other such foods plant based diet and do the same.  Then I will do an ideal Paleo day and see how my carb counts look.  I bet it won't be as "low-carb" as critics think.

On another note, I remember my chiropractor from days long past saying that I was allergic to milk.  I hope that isn't the case.  I'm really hoping to eat Primal.

A Plodding Pitty

Today has already been... exciting... sure.  We'll use exciting.

My daughter decided that 4:30 am was the premier time to wake up.  I let her make noises and squeal in her crib for a while hoping she'd go back to sleep, but the noises got more and more anxious as time wore on so at 5 am I forced myself out of bed and changed her diaper.  Then we snuggled in my bed for a while.  Her, the dogs, and me.  For half an hour she was still and full of snuggles and I thought I could doze off even though we haven't slept together since she was 6 weeks old, but no.  She decided that at 5:30 am it was the perfect time to start moving around.

She pet the dog, climbed all over me, and climbed on and off the bed.  Then she left the room and went to find her daddy who was sleeping on the couch (he snores so loudly it's impossible to get any sleep with him).  She gave him a kiss and startled him awake and then climbed on top of him and stood there.  He grumbled and complained so I started to get dressed to take her out to the park that would be full with runners and walkers.  In Texas summers the only time to really go outside is before 9 am and after 8 pm.  Otherwise it's just too hot.

Well, I need to get my tire checked because it's leaking air, but I scrounged up some change to fill the tire again on the way.  I got in the car and started driving towards the park.  When I looked back she was passed out so I looped back and in her crib she sleeps.  I then gave the dogs a walk.  My poor pitbull was not keeping up by the end of the walk.  He just plodded on after us.  He was so tired, while my beagle mix (mabye?) could have gone on for the least 2 hours.  But, right now they're sleeping and working off their labors.  My silly babies.

Since my husband and I are still trying to eat through the stuff we have in the house we had no more lean breakfast sausage or bacon.  So, instead I opted for the super lean ground beef chub that we got from Cosper's.  Everything in our fridge is pretty much frozen... since it's broken... so I had to brown it and I did so in garlic and one sweet pepper.  Then I added a ton of other stuff like onions, kale, and the last of my cooked spaghetti squash.  Then I fried me some eggs in butter over medium and had a nummy breakfast.  I left the rest for my husband to feed himself and my daughter with when they get up.  Theirs will likely be scrambled.

Off to get ready for work!

The End of Independence Day

So, I had a wonderful day with my family, but I had a horrible day in terms of minding my grain consumption.  I indulged in some "weight watcher's" cake (which is basically a boxed cake mix made with soda and jello instead of oil and eggs) and used a bun on one of my burgers.  I also ate some cheeto puffs.  They were literally calling my name.  I didn't eat the whole bag.  Maybe about 12 of the puffy  little balls of cheesy temptation.

But, over all, it was a good day with family and dogs.  I had the privilege of watching my daughter play quite well with my brother's girlfriend's children.  Say that three times fast! They only drank water all day (as far as beverages go) and my brother and his girlfriend were incredibly surprised how well behaved they were.  I tried to convince her to give them more water, which water and milk is about all my daughter ever drinks at home.  It isn't until she's at Nana and Granddaddy's house that she gets soda.  I want to buy a juicer eventually so that I can give her juice that I know what the ingredients are.

On another juicy note, I really want to know why Dole felt it necessary to put sugar in their watermelon juice.  I mean, for real?  Do they not realize that watermelon is adequately sweet on it's own.  Every time I eat one I contemplate the best way to eat the melon's meat and save the juice.  I wind up just shunting the seeds to the side and drinking from the plate or bowl.  No judging.

I'm really chomping at the bit to get my house emptied out of food, but I still can't resist the urge to go to the local meat market and check out the veggies the farmers deliver there (and there is so much more selection than at the farmer's market) and I want so badly to get up the courage to ask about how much their cow liver is.  I really want some liver.  Just thinking about ten pounds of cow liver makes me want to throw $2k at a farmer for a cow.  Just for the liver.. and the meat I have no place to store.

I can hardly wait for all this processed food to be devoured and gone so that I can make wholesome meals to match my wholesome breakfasts.  My husband is totally surprised about how much he enjoys having veggies for breakfast and even my daughter loves it.

Despite the slow transition, my desire to have at least one, if not two paleoesque meals a day has really started to help me lose some weight.

Fingers Crossed!

Not there yet, but feeling closer!

So, I've been resistant to the whole "grass-fed beef" thing because well... I'm not very well off.  My husband makes $5 less and hour than he did last year and make no overtime at all.  I make about $.50 more and hour and that does not, by any means make up for what we lost.  Our main bills were far less than what we made, and we were horrible about eating out.  We literally ate out all the time.  If we had loose money it went to some business that fed us tasty food that helped us pack on over 60 pounds each... and even more for me--especially after I had our daughter.

So, needless to say we're scraping our bottoms over the poverty line.  I haven't bothered with trying to get food stamps because our area has highly prejudiced people working there, and they ultimately decide how much you're going to get.  Being married to my child's father, having a mortgage, and a car note pretty much means they'd only give me $13 a month.  I kid you not on the $13.  I literally had a lady tell me that she gets $13.  That's it.  I was floored.

Needless to say.  I'm not going to waste my time at the EBT office.  I could probably qualify for wic, but with my family cutting out dairy, peanut butter, and grains... well... $6 in fruit or veggies isn't going to do me much by way of favors.  I find it mildly upsetting that government assistant only lets you buy heavily processed juices, grains, and legumes... but whatever.  I won't eat it, so there is no point in applying.

Anyway, back to the grass fed beef.

I was looking up prices for it to see if it was remotely affordable, and places like Tender Grass farms are likely to never be in my price range.. unless I finish my science fantasy series and then make millions off of them.  This could take a while.  I even found some slightly (and I do mean slightly) less expensive places, and wondered if ranch cubes ruin the grass fed lable.

My mother's family has cattle that live and (sometimes) die on their pastures.  It has never been a "for profit" business.  They had a grocery store and a convenience store, and they literally only sold their cattle to keep them from draining their resources and when the herds got too large.  My pawpaw (since papa doesn't describe how we said it) could walk up to any and all of his cattle and pet them.  If I spent about an hour outside with them, over half would let me pet them.  I played tag with their calves, and enjoyed bottle feeding the rejected twin and the orphan calves.

I even got to help in a breech birth and tried to nurse the mother back to health.  Sadly she passed, however, and her calf, Molly, was raised on the bottle with her male calf friends Roach 1 and Roach 2.  They were so adorable.  They were rejected by their mothers and my granny bought them to bring in some extra something into the herds.

So that led me wondering to how much my uncle would charge me if I wanted to butcher one of the bovines he is going to sell.  I don't have a place to keep a whole carcass, however.  I'd definitely have to get a few people to buy in with me and split the meat up.

I also have to get up the courage to ask.

Yowzer.

Anyway!  Happy 4th to anyone that stumbles on this place!  I know I haven't been checkin' out my blog so I have gotten some page views.  Take care!

Ah, the guilt

I'm still working through what I have in my fridge and pantry.  I used the last of my pasta, and will be eating spaghetti and meat sauce all day tomorrow.  That and farm fresh summer squash and onions baked to less than perfection, but decently seasoned.  It actually tastes good, but took much longer to cook than I expected.

I had to resist the urge to make a paleo dinner today.  I really need to be good about getting rid of the food I already have in my house.  I dream of chevon stew.  It will be made with rutabagas, parsnips, carrots, leeks, onions, and kale.  It will be divine.  when I have the money to buy the goat.

My 21 month old daughter got a hold of my peppers and destroyed two of the five.  I have big plans for the remaining peppers still.  I will not be denied!

Paleo Variety

So, I've been doing a lot of research on the Paleo Diet.  I've even made a couple of the recipes (in the Primal way out of necessity), and while I haven't made anything organic and grass-fed, I have to say that it's all very tasty.  That's far more than I can say for the several recipes I tried to make with the plant based diet that left my pallet and my stomach wanting.  It was so bland I stopped eating once the true edge of hunger wore off.

With the paleo diet, however, I have the whole world opened to me still.  I have found ways to make tortillas (or a rough equivalent) out of coconut flour, and it takes far less coconut flour than wheat flour to make them.  I find myself excited about the menu, and I mean genuinely excited.  Not excitedly hopeful.  I can tell these meals are going to be divine.  They use seasonings I'm used to, and have easy milk substitutes.  I made soy milk for two weeks and found it super easy and I'm looking forward to trying my hand at coconut and almond milk (mainly to make the super pricey flour and get milk at the same time).

A lack of variety in the paleo diet?  I don't think so.  I find myself looking forward to winter so that I can have access to winter squashes.  I want to make my own pumpkin puree so that I can make all sorts of pancakes, muffins, and pies for my husband.  I want to try vegetables I'd never touch before.  Do you know how many vegetables there are in the world?  I'm going to try most, if not all of them.  I'm going to buy meat I never thought of buying before, and I'm going to get creative with everything.

Heck, during my shower I was thinking about how good it would be to have a spinach and salmon mixture stuffed into a sweet pepper and wrapped in bacon and baked.

Can anyone say heck ya?

So I'm going to give up most of the food I have been eating every day for the majority of my life.  Food that is bad for me and food that has done me no favors.  Will I miss the texture and taste of bread?  Maybe for a few weeks or months, but I can't think of any reason I would need it when I can get so much more from things I wouldn't even try before.

For now, there is a meat crust quiche baking in the oven.  Before yesterday I had never made a quiche before, but this is the second one.  The idea scared me, and I'm ready for my culinary and dietary adventure to begin.

Bring it on!

(But first everything I already have in my kitchen must be devoured.  Waste not, want not.  So the saying goes anyway.)

My Journey

I am a fat woman.  I know that my friends try and be nice and say "No, you're not.  You're fine the way you are."  They're good friends.  I love them.  Even my customers are great like that.  Sadly, I know they're just trying to be nice when they really want to slap me for being self deprecating.  It's a bad habit.

So, my journey begins in childhood.  I was a tall, thin, athletic kid.  I was stronger than everyone else my age no matter their gender.  I could run fast, even while carrying another child on my back and won several piggy back races.  My little brother was a weaker, but faster version of me.  We were almost like video game characters.  Choose your pros and cons!  Good times.

I ate your average, standard American diet.  I loved chicken nuggets, dry cheeseburgers, hot dogs, cheese products, broccoli smothered in more cheese food than there was broccoli.  Don't even get me started on mac and cheese.  The more processed the cheese... stuff... the better!  When I was old enough to boil my own water and strain my own pasta, I literally ate a box of mac and cheese as a meal.

Don't judge me.  I know I'm not the only one.

I grew up hating vegetables unless they were smothered in overly processed tastiness.  I hated salads and could barely stomach them even when they were smothered the fattiest ranch dressing possible.  I hated beans.  Still do, actually, but I do make a mean split pea soup now (and I will never, ever buy canned stuff again.  Did that once and it was so gross).  I didn't eat onions or mushrooms, and I was dubious of garlic unless it was in powdered form, and overly refined white bread was where it was at... or yeast rolls smothered in gobs of butter.

Needless to say... I lived like any Texan.  I ate deep fried meats, pasta, potatoes in every form, steak, and anything smothered in cheese (and not real cheese either.  I hated that stuff.).  Oh, and pizza.  I lived for pizza.

And that was all fine and well.. until I was 8, and my hormones went crazy as my body made the transition from child to adult. I started to gain weight, and that isn't because I wasn't physically active.  I lived outside, and when my weight started to get out of control, my father took me to aerobics class twice a week and then I had to go to the gym and walk on the treadmill forever.  My parents even tried to restrict my caloric intake.  It didn't help because we were a busy family and my culinary skills were limited.  I made half the meals in the family since both of my parents had to work, and the meals were really simplistic.  Spaghetti and meat sauce, some sort of meat pan fried or broiled with instant mash potatoes some canned vegetable that I could stand. Corn was a vegetable to me.  I had a lot of corn.

On top of that, my family was descending farther and farther into debt.  We didn't live ostentatious lives.  We rented, bought used cars after our old ones were dead.  We live in Texas, and cars are pretty much required for almost every livelihood.  My dad's job depended on private transportation... and my area didn't have any sort of public transportation at all.  My clothes were pretty much all hand me downs from my older brother until I out grew him (which I am taller than him and neither of us our getting any taller), and my little brother got what clothes that survived me.  Our jeans, when we ripped out the knees climbing trees and falling while rollerblading, were turned into cut off shorts, and I always seemed to have the cheapest shoes ever.  We weren't exactly poor, but we weren't wealthy enough to even have heard of "organic" food, and we were definitely all sold on the "More out than in" angle to weight loss.

By the time I was a sophomore in high school I weighted a whopping 250 lbs. I hated my body.  I hid it behind clothes too big for me and hid my fat, bloated face behind my hair.  I didn't believe anyone could find me pretty or attractive.  Pure misery.  On top of that, my family was telling me I needed to lose weight as well.  I had moved from my friendly neighborhood to an isolated one and only went outside to walk my dogs... or be walked by my dogs, if we're going to be literal.  I lost myself in roleplaying games online and I read and wrote.  Anything to escape my own hideousness.

Then, in my junior year I made friends with several seniors.  We ate out a lot, but despite that, and unbeknownst to me, I was slowly shedding weight.  By the time I had graduated high school I guess I had lost about 30 pounds and still hated myself.  My freshmen year in college I ate a little better and worked out almost every day with my best college friend.  I also walked to every class and rode horses... all with a broken foot.  Then that summer vacation I lost 30 pounds doing weight watchers with my parents... my entire family was doing it, including my extended family.  I lifted weights with my dad, did cardio, and ate better than I had in my entire life.

I managed to keep the weight off until I got engaged.  Then the weight crept on, and 6 years and a baby later I'm just as fat as I was in high school and hating myself again.

Now, however, I like more things and instead of processed cheeses I eat real cheese.  I have pretty much lost all my taste for soda.. which happened right after high school.  I drink water.  I love water, and will take it over any other beverage any day (except for when I'm in Florida or west Texas).

So what is a girl to do?

I started watching documentaries on Netflix.  Most of them are... dumb.  They are pointless and trying to sell some off the wall world view.  So I cycled through a few until I fell on "Forks over Knives".  As I watched it, I thought, "Man, this makes sense."  And if they feel as good and have lost as much weight as they have on this whole plant based food diet than I thought, "Can't I?"

So, after a rather one sided discussion with my husband who just agreed with me to shut me up, I flew pretty much right into it.  It wasn't horrible, but it was far from great.  Everything I made tasted terrible.  I couldn't get into it no matter how positive I tried to be, and my husband sure as hell wasn't into it.  He'd rather starve and so would my daughter.  On top of that, I was researching the program as I went along.  I was reading testimonials and even those of whole food vegans.

And I read so many things that told me why people stopped.  Yeah, it worked for a while, but then the people who did it got sick.  Some of their bodies couldn't process the B12 supplements they were taking and their stores from their omnivore days were depleted.  Their teeth and hair were falling out and their kids were the first to become lethargic and sick. I couldn't bear the thought of that happening to my daughter.. and since I didn't have any moral objections to eating meat...

I heard a lot about the "Paleo Diet" from people expressing support to people that started eating meat again. Now, it's not something I had ever heard of before, so I looked it up.  It isn't affordable to someone like me. Not in its pure form anyway, but I'm sure I can figure it out.  I want to give it the best shot my working class self can give.  It's definitely something my family can get behind.  No grains, legumes, sugar, or dairy? I think I can hack that.